It’s 4:00 am. I’m nibbling on wara2 dawali leftovers (stuffed vine leaves), and listening to Sylvain Luc. I’ve been awake since 2:30 am, and instead of falling back asleep, I sat in bed writing mental blog posts. And then I decided that I should just get up and start that Arabic-language blog I’ve been planning to start for over two years now.
The issue has been constantly on my mind. Why is it that when I write in English, words flow faster and I find a million ways to express myself, whereas when I attempt to write in Arabic, I can produce properly-structured sentences but it all sounds so fake and distant, and I never seem to find the exact words that reflect what I’m trying to say??
I didn’t go to a school that taught all subjects in English. I did not live abroad or study abroad. I went to a very traditional private school in Amman, where I learned good English but also good Arabic, and where I used to do my friends’ and sisters’ writing assignments for them most of the time. Afterwards I studied at the University of Jordan, and for one year I even wrote for the official Arabic-language student newspaper. So when did I fall out of practice? When did writing in Arabic start feeling alien? Why does it sound detached and even theatrical??
Over the past couple of years, I’ve been reading books in Arabic besides all the things I read in English. It’s been wonderful discovering some gems in modern Jordanian and Arabic. But reading is not enough.
This week I wrote a concert review for the new Arabic weekly “Assijil”. It turned out fine. The editor did not change or fix anything. But when I re-read it, I felt weird. And I knew that I can’t procrastinate any longer - I have to start practicing seriously. And what better than a blog to experiment with language and document the journey :)
Don’t hold your breath; I’m not linking to it. If I’m going to rediscover language and find my voice in writing, then the least I can do is be free of the self-censorship burden.
______________________________________________________________
Exactly two years ago, on November 28th 2005, I wrote:
I remember when I decided to change my display name to my full name on my profile and on Jordan Planet a little while after I started blogging. I felt it was an important decision, but it was also a bit impulsive… I just thought, to me blogging is some kind of self-edited journalism, and I want whatever I write to be associated with me, I want people to know that these are my thoughts and not some unknown person's! Later on, I sometimes caught myself subconsciously thinking twice about what I was writing… for multiple reasons related to my identity being revealed! I found this disturbing… but still, I never regret the decision! It does add a lot of responsibility, and that's a very valuable lesson to learn and exercise on a daily basis.
…. what I feel is that most of the red lines that restrict our expression come from within, rather than from external factors. We limit ourselves, more so when we're not hiding behind nick names and fake identities. It seems to me that there are always contradicting forces pulling us in opposing directions…
On June 19th 2006:
Here's another question… how much of yourself can you put "out there"? We've had the interesting debate of anonymity a while back, and JO magazine had a well-put little article about it in the June issue. Khalaf had struck a good note when he said "In real life I express the same thoughts that I blog quite freely. However, in real life I have the ability to judge what to say to whoever I am dealing with. In real life, my audience is not anonymous. On the internet, my readers are anonymous, and so am I."
Do I regret the choice of blogging under my real, full name? No, I don't, but I wonder if someday I will. Does it restrict what I blog about? You bet. If I could go back and start over would I change anything?
Well…
…
No :)
On September 25th, 2006:
You get to a point where you start questioning and over-thinking things. How free are we to write whatever we want? (I'm not talking in the political sense of freedom). Why do we confine ourselves within circles and red lines of our own creation? How much of ourselves can we put out there?
…
After a year and a half of blogging, have I created a certain character for this blog that I don't want to shift from? To what extent can I experiment? How personal can I go? Define 'personal'. Would I rather I was anonymous? What's in a name anyway? Hmmmm… this is Amman, Jordan though; a lot of baggage comes with a name, remember?
On June 8th, 2007:
I do write about things that I am passionate about, that interest me, or that I want to share. Yet there remains a lot more that I observe everyday, a lot more that stirs thoughts and opinions up there in my head that never find their way to publishing. "Why" is the question that I need to address; Have I turned out to be such a coward? Am I afraid of being misunderstood? Judged? Am I trying to preserve a certain image? Does it worry me if the ones dear to me realize that they don't quite know me? Does it worry me that I'm at a stage where I’m still formulating my stands and opinions? I do believe that writing is a process, not an ends in itself… so why have I stopped blogging??
When Shakespeare said "What's in a name?" he obviously had no idea what Jordan is like!!
A good friend of mine calls it "compartmentalizing our lives"… and I suppose she's right.
Ah… the journey…
None of this means that I will stop writing here. I love this blog. I have opinions and thoughts and little observations enough to keep two blogs going… whether I have time, well, that’s another question. But my latest insomniac habits might prove useful :)
On this note… I’m off… I have another blog to attend to.
The issue has been constantly on my mind. Why is it that when I write in English, words flow faster and I find a million ways to express myself, whereas when I attempt to write in Arabic, I can produce properly-structured sentences but it all sounds so fake and distant, and I never seem to find the exact words that reflect what I’m trying to say??
I didn’t go to a school that taught all subjects in English. I did not live abroad or study abroad. I went to a very traditional private school in Amman, where I learned good English but also good Arabic, and where I used to do my friends’ and sisters’ writing assignments for them most of the time. Afterwards I studied at the University of Jordan, and for one year I even wrote for the official Arabic-language student newspaper. So when did I fall out of practice? When did writing in Arabic start feeling alien? Why does it sound detached and even theatrical??
Over the past couple of years, I’ve been reading books in Arabic besides all the things I read in English. It’s been wonderful discovering some gems in modern Jordanian and Arabic. But reading is not enough.
This week I wrote a concert review for the new Arabic weekly “Assijil”. It turned out fine. The editor did not change or fix anything. But when I re-read it, I felt weird. And I knew that I can’t procrastinate any longer - I have to start practicing seriously. And what better than a blog to experiment with language and document the journey :)
Don’t hold your breath; I’m not linking to it. If I’m going to rediscover language and find my voice in writing, then the least I can do is be free of the self-censorship burden.
______________________________________________________________
Exactly two years ago, on November 28th 2005, I wrote:
I remember when I decided to change my display name to my full name on my profile and on Jordan Planet a little while after I started blogging. I felt it was an important decision, but it was also a bit impulsive… I just thought, to me blogging is some kind of self-edited journalism, and I want whatever I write to be associated with me, I want people to know that these are my thoughts and not some unknown person's! Later on, I sometimes caught myself subconsciously thinking twice about what I was writing… for multiple reasons related to my identity being revealed! I found this disturbing… but still, I never regret the decision! It does add a lot of responsibility, and that's a very valuable lesson to learn and exercise on a daily basis.
…. what I feel is that most of the red lines that restrict our expression come from within, rather than from external factors. We limit ourselves, more so when we're not hiding behind nick names and fake identities. It seems to me that there are always contradicting forces pulling us in opposing directions…
On June 19th 2006:
Here's another question… how much of yourself can you put "out there"? We've had the interesting debate of anonymity a while back, and JO magazine had a well-put little article about it in the June issue. Khalaf had struck a good note when he said "In real life I express the same thoughts that I blog quite freely. However, in real life I have the ability to judge what to say to whoever I am dealing with. In real life, my audience is not anonymous. On the internet, my readers are anonymous, and so am I."
Do I regret the choice of blogging under my real, full name? No, I don't, but I wonder if someday I will. Does it restrict what I blog about? You bet. If I could go back and start over would I change anything?
Well…
…
No :)
On September 25th, 2006:
You get to a point where you start questioning and over-thinking things. How free are we to write whatever we want? (I'm not talking in the political sense of freedom). Why do we confine ourselves within circles and red lines of our own creation? How much of ourselves can we put out there?
…
After a year and a half of blogging, have I created a certain character for this blog that I don't want to shift from? To what extent can I experiment? How personal can I go? Define 'personal'. Would I rather I was anonymous? What's in a name anyway? Hmmmm… this is Amman, Jordan though; a lot of baggage comes with a name, remember?
On June 8th, 2007:
I do write about things that I am passionate about, that interest me, or that I want to share. Yet there remains a lot more that I observe everyday, a lot more that stirs thoughts and opinions up there in my head that never find their way to publishing. "Why" is the question that I need to address; Have I turned out to be such a coward? Am I afraid of being misunderstood? Judged? Am I trying to preserve a certain image? Does it worry me if the ones dear to me realize that they don't quite know me? Does it worry me that I'm at a stage where I’m still formulating my stands and opinions? I do believe that writing is a process, not an ends in itself… so why have I stopped blogging??
When Shakespeare said "What's in a name?" he obviously had no idea what Jordan is like!!
A good friend of mine calls it "compartmentalizing our lives"… and I suppose she's right.
Ah… the journey…
None of this means that I will stop writing here. I love this blog. I have opinions and thoughts and little observations enough to keep two blogs going… whether I have time, well, that’s another question. But my latest insomniac habits might prove useful :)
On this note… I’m off… I have another blog to attend to.
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